The first part of my spiritual life was an inner journey where God made my inner world positive and fair. He then put me into the dark night of the soul accompanied by the holy spirit/kundalini shakti by the staring wheel. This fearless spirit took me out of my body and also gave me other experiences that forced me to surrender to what happened. I could go anywhere I liked. I say I because this spirit was the divine part of me. A part that didn't respect the fact that the fearful lower part of me that didn't dare to lose control and the mask, said no out of fear to these experiences. The divine was in control. I chose to go to heaven. I know some people who can travel outside their bodies travel to different planets or places at the earth, but i wasn't interested in exploring the physical realm.
The fearful part of me who wanted to adjust to the people on earth wanted the journey to end as soon as possible and gain back control, but it was impossible to stop the force. I moved to the countryside to make the process go quicker. Partly because I wanted to be able to have a relationship with a very religious and spiritual guy I had met. A guy I thought wanted normal sex, not just the energy orgasms and full body orgasms I experienced because I avoided peak orgasms. (The irony was we never even kissed the 6 months we were together because he wanted to follow Gods will. )
When I had stabilized a fair bit I got married and got my son, so my life changed drastically. I had to ground myself to be a mother and express the love, peace, wisdom etc. that God had granted me during my inner journey. I didn't manage to avoid orgasms as much as I wanted to during the marriage. Partly because the man I married didn't want to practice tantra. ( He said he would before we got married, but changed his mind quickly once he had tried it.
When my son was 10 and was forced to live mostly at his fathers place I didnt know what to focus on. I asked God for advice and He told me to be spiritual again, like before I got my son to think about. But I didn't stop masturbating to copy the way I lived the time God was referring to. I didn't understand how important it was for my spiritual life to avoid peak orgasms at that point. Instead I took ayahuasca regularly for 1,5 years to open myself up completely for God so He could adjust me to heaven. I stopped when not much happened when I took it.
For many years, since I was finished with exploring my inner world, I wanted to find God in the outer world, but i have not succeded in doing so. Now I understand how it dan be done. I had misunderstood: It's not God I am suppose to find there. God will be with me in spirit as long as i don't commit sins like masturbation and casual sex. It is the divine in me as a wordly being and the divine in every created thing I am going to experience/ "find".
The embodyment of spirit
Now I will do what he told me to do 4 years ago: Stop masturbating, be the daughter of God again, but also continue to express the divine like I did when I had my son. Because I had finished digging up the divine deeds inside (by removing all that is not divine), my duty was to express them and because I was told to be close to God as well, I would be both extroverted and introverted at the same time. I am going to find the divine in the outer world so I will view it as paradise and hopefully also make it a bit more like paradise for others, like i changed the inner world to become divine, with God close to me.
I am sure I will be able to find the divine in others when I can feel I am divine in the flesh (not just in meditation) and focus on treating others like divine beings, because people act according to how they are treated and viewed as. So what I feel is different now is that I embody my spirituality. When i pray to God or act divine I feel it in my personality and in my flesh as well. It has completely soaked through my whole being. There is no separation between me and my soul anymore, because my personality can be like my soul. Its an incredible feeling to be a divine person in flesh! I feel it strongly when i have a lot of sexual energy in me. It is because I am grounded I can feel whole and it is because i feel the sexual energy I feel the spirituality is soaking my body too, as if the sexual energy connects the body with the soul. ( Likewise emotions connects the soul to God.) The sexual energy can also be viewed as the female divine energy that meets the divine masculine energy called God. Its when these two meet powerful things happen.
Earlier I felt divided because I thought I had a personality connected to a body, but identified only with my soul and didnt like to have a body or I identified with my body and didn't feel my soul. God healed the anorexia ( that hates bodies ) so now I am able to "embrace"/integrate the body into my whole being. I am so happy to start the journey, because I know what to do now. I will change how I see the world and the world will change for real a little bit by my effort. I will go visit the continent I have been most afraid of, but that I am attracted to now; Africa. Where there is more churches than grocery shops some places. How hard can it be then to experience the divine on this earth?
The fearful part of me who wanted to adjust to the people on earth wanted the journey to end as soon as possible and gain back control, but it was impossible to stop the force. I moved to the countryside to make the process go quicker. Partly because I wanted to be able to have a relationship with a very religious and spiritual guy I had met. A guy I thought wanted normal sex, not just the energy orgasms and full body orgasms I experienced because I avoided peak orgasms. (The irony was we never even kissed the 6 months we were together because he wanted to follow Gods will. )
When I had stabilized a fair bit I got married and got my son, so my life changed drastically. I had to ground myself to be a mother and express the love, peace, wisdom etc. that God had granted me during my inner journey. I didn't manage to avoid orgasms as much as I wanted to during the marriage. Partly because the man I married didn't want to practice tantra. ( He said he would before we got married, but changed his mind quickly once he had tried it.
When my son was 10 and was forced to live mostly at his fathers place I didnt know what to focus on. I asked God for advice and He told me to be spiritual again, like before I got my son to think about. But I didn't stop masturbating to copy the way I lived the time God was referring to. I didn't understand how important it was for my spiritual life to avoid peak orgasms at that point. Instead I took ayahuasca regularly for 1,5 years to open myself up completely for God so He could adjust me to heaven. I stopped when not much happened when I took it.
For many years, since I was finished with exploring my inner world, I wanted to find God in the outer world, but i have not succeded in doing so. Now I understand how it dan be done. I had misunderstood: It's not God I am suppose to find there. God will be with me in spirit as long as i don't commit sins like masturbation and casual sex. It is the divine in me as a wordly being and the divine in every created thing I am going to experience/ "find".
The embodyment of spirit
Now I will do what he told me to do 4 years ago: Stop masturbating, be the daughter of God again, but also continue to express the divine like I did when I had my son. Because I had finished digging up the divine deeds inside (by removing all that is not divine), my duty was to express them and because I was told to be close to God as well, I would be both extroverted and introverted at the same time. I am going to find the divine in the outer world so I will view it as paradise and hopefully also make it a bit more like paradise for others, like i changed the inner world to become divine, with God close to me.
I am sure I will be able to find the divine in others when I can feel I am divine in the flesh (not just in meditation) and focus on treating others like divine beings, because people act according to how they are treated and viewed as. So what I feel is different now is that I embody my spirituality. When i pray to God or act divine I feel it in my personality and in my flesh as well. It has completely soaked through my whole being. There is no separation between me and my soul anymore, because my personality can be like my soul. Its an incredible feeling to be a divine person in flesh! I feel it strongly when i have a lot of sexual energy in me. It is because I am grounded I can feel whole and it is because i feel the sexual energy I feel the spirituality is soaking my body too, as if the sexual energy connects the body with the soul. ( Likewise emotions connects the soul to God.) The sexual energy can also be viewed as the female divine energy that meets the divine masculine energy called God. Its when these two meet powerful things happen.
Earlier I felt divided because I thought I had a personality connected to a body, but identified only with my soul and didnt like to have a body or I identified with my body and didn't feel my soul. God healed the anorexia ( that hates bodies ) so now I am able to "embrace"/integrate the body into my whole being. I am so happy to start the journey, because I know what to do now. I will change how I see the world and the world will change for real a little bit by my effort. I will go visit the continent I have been most afraid of, but that I am attracted to now; Africa. Where there is more churches than grocery shops some places. How hard can it be then to experience the divine on this earth?
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