Self-regard and debasement

​I was disappointed​, not excited or happy about life. 

It was me I was disappointed about

for not showing more kindness and love towards others.

What I had forgot, though, was that not only what one does to others 

has an impact on God, but also what one does to oneself.

It was when I remembered this I saw that I don't make myself happy.

If I treat myself well, because it effects God, I will be happy.

As happy it will be easy to treat others well. Also, by having self-regard 

I will be a role model showing we are all worthy of being treated with respect.

Nattens tanker

Når lysmengden fra himmelen øker, øker også motstanden til lyset, fordi lyset skyver mørket til side så det fortettes mer og mer.

og:

Why do I have a closed heart? I don't have to love the world, or dislike it. I only need to love God. Then there's nothing to fear and to love people becomes easy.

og tanker på dagen etterpå:

Det guddommelige lyset er her for alle. Vår oppgave er å bekjempe vår egen motstand mot det så vi kan bli mottakelige.

My outer journey surrounded by God

The first part of my spiritual life was an inner journey where God made my inner world positive and fair. He then put me into the dark night of the soul accompanied by the holy spirit/kundalini shakti by the staring wheel. This fearless spirit took me out of my body and also gave me other experiences that forced me to surrender to what happened. I could go anywhere I liked. I say I because this spirit was the divine part of me. A part that didn't respect the fact that the fearful lower part of me that didn't dare to lose control and the mask, said no out of fear to these experiences. The divine was in control. I chose to go to heaven. I know some people who can travel outside their bodies travel to different planets or places at the earth, but i wasn't interested in exploring the physical realm.

The fearful part of me who wanted to adjust to the people on earth wanted the journey to end as soon as possible and gain back control, but it was impossible to stop the force. I moved to the countryside to make the process go quicker. Partly because I wanted to be able to have a relationship with a very religious and spiritual guy I had met. A guy I thought wanted normal sex, not just the energy orgasms and full body orgasms I experienced because I avoided peak orgasms. (The irony was we never even kissed the 6 months we were together because he wanted to follow Gods will. )

When I had stabilized a fair bit I got married and got my son, so my life changed drastically. I had to ground myself to be a mother and express the love, peace, wisdom etc. that God had granted me during my inner journey. I didn't manage to avoid orgasms as much as I wanted to during the marriage. Partly because the man I married didn't want to practice tantra. ( He said he would before we got married, but changed his mind quickly once he had tried it.

When my son was 10 and was forced to live mostly at his fathers place I didnt know what to focus on. I asked God for advice and He told me to be spiritual again, like before I got my son to think about. But I didn't stop masturbating to copy the way I lived the time God was referring to. I didn't understand how important it was for my spiritual life to avoid peak orgasms at that point. Instead I took ayahuasca regularly for 1,5 years to open myself up completely for God so He could adjust me to heaven. I stopped when not much happened when I took it.

For many years, since I was finished with exploring my inner world, I wanted to find God in the outer world, but i have not succeded in doing so. Now I understand how it dan be done. I had misunderstood: It's not God I am suppose to find there. God will be with me in spirit as long as i don't commit sins like masturbation and casual sex. It is the divine in me as a wordly being and the divine in every created thing I am going to experience/ "find".

The embodyment of spirit

Now I will do what he told me to do 4 years ago: Stop masturbating, be the daughter of God again, but also continue to express the divine like I did when I had my son. Because I had finished digging up the divine deeds inside (by removing all that is not divine), my duty was to express them and because I was told to be close to God  as well, I would be both extroverted and introverted at the same time. I am going to find the divine in the outer world so I will view it as paradise and hopefully also make it a bit more like paradise for others, like i changed the inner world to become divine, with God close to me.

I am sure I will be able to find the divine in others when I can feel I am divine in the flesh (not just in meditation) and focus on treating others like divine beings, because people act according to how they are treated and viewed as. So what I feel is different now is that I embody my spirituality. When i pray to God or act divine I feel it in my personality and in my flesh as well. It has completely soaked through my whole being. There is no separation between me and my soul anymore, because my personality can be like my soul. Its an incredible feeling to be a divine person in flesh! I feel it strongly when i have a lot of sexual energy in me. It is because I am grounded I can feel whole and it is because i feel the sexual energy I feel the spirituality is soaking my body too, as if the sexual energy connects the body with the soul. ( Likewise emotions connects the soul to God.) The sexual energy can also be viewed as the female divine energy that meets the divine masculine energy called God. Its when these two meet powerful things happen.

Earlier I felt divided because I thought I had a personality connected to a body, but identified only with my soul and didnt like to have a body or I identified with my body and didn't feel my soul. God healed the anorexia ( that hates bodies ) so now I am able to "embrace"/integrate the body into my whole being. I am so happy to start the journey, because I know what to do now. I will change how I see the world and the world will change for real a little bit by my effort. I will go visit the continent I have been most afraid of, but that I am attracted to now; Africa. Where there is more churches than grocery shops some places. How hard can it be then to experience the divine on this earth?

Tablet of the wondrous Maiden

The hallowed Beauty shone resplendent from behind the veil. How wondrous a thing, how wondrous indeed! And, lo, the flame of rapture caused all souls to swoon away. How wondrous is this, how wondrous indeed! Rising up, they soared unto the blest pavilion ’neath the throne of heaven’s canopy. How wondrous a mystery, how wondrous indeed! Say: The Maiden of Eternity unveiled Her face—may her wondrous beauty be exalted indeed! — Shedding forth from earth to heaven its resplendent rays. How wondrous a light, how wondrous indeed! A lightning glance She cast, as piercing as a shooting star—how wondrous Her glance, how wondrous indeed!— A glance consuming every name and every title in its flames. How wondrous a feat, how wondrous indeed! To the dwellers of the realm of dust She turned Her gaze. How wondrous Her gaze, how wondrous indeed! And then did all creation shake and pass away. How astounding a death, how astounding indeed! She then let fall a raven lock, an ornament of spirit in the darkest night—how wondrous a hue, how wondrous indeed!— From which the fragrant breezes of the spirit were perceived. How wondrous a scent, how wondrous indeed! In Her right hand She bore the ruby wine and in Her left a portion of the finest fare. How wondrous a grace, how wondrous indeed! With hands encrimsoned with Her ardent lovers’ blood—how wondrous is this, how wondrous indeed!— In cups and chalices She passed round the wine of life. How wondrous a draught, how wondrous indeed! With harp and lute She sang in praise of Her Beloved. How wondrous a song, how wondrous indeed! Whereat the hearts were melted in consuming flames. How wondrous a love, how wondrous indeed! Of Her sustaining beauty She bestowed a boundless share—how wondrous a share, how wondrous indeed!— Then brought Her sword of charm upon Her lovers’ necks. How wondrous a blow, how wondrous indeed! Her pearl-like teeth did flash, no sooner had She smiled. How wondrous a pearl, how wondrous indeed! Whereat the hearts of them that know cried out and wept. How wondrous a piety, how wondrous indeed! But they that doubt and boast of self denied Her truth. How astounding a denial, how astounding indeed! And, hearing this, in sorrow, She repaired to Her abode. How astounding Her grief, how astounding indeed! She returned from whence She came: How lofty were the steps She traced! How astounding a decree, how astounding indeed! She cried a cry of anguish, as to reduce all things to naught. How astounding Her woe, how astounding indeed! And from Her lips there streamed these words of warning and rebuke—how astounding a stream, how astounding indeed!— “Why do ye gainsay Me, O people of the Book?” How astounding is this, how astounding indeed! “Claim ye to be the guided and the loved ones of the Lord?” By God! How astounding a lie, how astounding indeed! “O my friends,” She said, “We shall not come again,”—how wondrous a return, how wondrous indeed!— “But will conceal God’s secrets in His Scriptures and His Books,” as bidden by One mighty and bounteous indeed! “Nor shall ye find Me till the Promised One appear on Judgement Day.” By My life! How astounding an abasement, how astounding indeed!

Vi er skapt, men ennå ikke født

Vi må lide på jorda selv om vi er skapt i Guds bilde
fordi vi er ikke født ennå.

Vi må utvikle oss i denne trange livmorverden
før vi fødes inn i den verden vi er ment å leve i.

Mange føler de ikke hører til på jorden, fordi det er sant.
Her er det ikke plass til hele vårt vesen.

Fødselskanalen er den lystunnelen
noen ser når deres kropp slutter å virke.

Kroppen etterlates som puppehuden til sommerfuglen
når sjelen fødes inn i evigheten.

What women long for in bed.

This is answers I found in a facebookgroup:

Foreplay! Lots and lots of foreplay! Like 45 min of forplay (I like the really long satisfying sex). Explore every inch of her body. tease and tantalize her till she can't think straight and is begging for you and then keep going! Explore how erotic it can be by just breathing a certain way into her ear, how arousing it is to touch places that are nowhere near hey breasts and groin, play with feather light to very firm touch, hot and cold. When you go down on her let it last longer than a meager 3 min (I know your tongue gets tired but how do you think our jaw feels when we go down on you? But we stick it out. Usually) worship her body in such a way that she FEELS like you are worshipping every inch of her. Know when to go hard and fast and know when to go agonizingly slow. If you do it right she will be putty in your hands. Legit one time my man got me going so good with foreplay, getting me so wound up without release, that I came after one thrust! And it was so explosive and amazing you can't begin to imagine. And after we were done (a long while after that first orgasm) I was so satisfied I could barely move. Really guys just take the time. Don't worry about orgasms just focus on her responses and how things make her feel. And don't be afraid to experiment! A blindfold will greatly increase sensations from touch and anticipation. An icecube in your mouth before licking her anywhere will give a wonderful cold-to-hot sensation! Just take the time, experiment, have fun watching her squirm, and just make her feel adored!

I enjoy being held, like REALLY held... to feel SAFE in his arms opens me up for everything.

The important thing for me is to feel safe and wanted. Be open to discover, explore, and discuss all the fantasies without judgement. Empower me to empower you.

Foreplay involves both my mind and body. Communication, vulnerability, trust, touch.

#1 is being recognized as a divine goddess... to feel worshipped, to have his full focus and communication. I love to feel a man turned on by me, and the reciprocation that happens when we are turned on by each other's turn on... mmmm
#2 is SLOW DOWN AND TOUCH EVERYWHERE... far too often it's jump straight to the most sacred spot and ignore the magic of touch all over the body. Use your breath, your fingertips, your nails, the palms of your hands. Rub your erection against me without penetrating. Wait for me to beg you to enter. The payoff is well worth it
#3 is, don't run away after you've cum! Those intimate moments after lovemaking and orgasm are so fruitful and delicious. Stay in that creative, comforting, juicy space for a bit of extra time. Soak up that juiciness.

L👀k at ME, See ME, l👀k in my eyes as you please me, let me see you as I please you. Slow down and enjoy the process. Enter me slowly-know that I am taking you in to my Divine Feminine.

 To be wanted. To be adored and to know/feel that my pleasure is important as his own. To be reciprocated if he wants something. To be kissed, endlessly. To be so lost in the sensations that I can’t help but to not hold back. To be desired and appreciated and touched and kissed everywhere just like I want to touch and kiss everywhere. To connect.

Men's arousal starts in his cock and spreads outwards, women are the complete opposite. These are my desires: start with caressing, touching, exploring the extremeties, our breasts, our torsos, our legs, our bums... Lots of kissing too. Slow down and try to realize this is sex for us, not just penetration. Penetration for me only feels right if my entire body and heart are open and feel safe to surrender to my man. My very favorite treat is a sensual oil massage...*omg* Something I've noticed if I ask for some of these things from a partner is that it will feel like he's performing a chore. This completely shuts me off and sometimes it can feel like my heart is literally breaking. This is why I think it's so important that men try to enjoy and get pleasure from satisfying your woman. And because I care so much about my man's pleasure I will also say, we have so much pleasure to give as well. I love to worship my man's body but it can feel all wrong when I'm not feeling loved and worshiped in return.

A minute feels like a whole day in that slow slow foreverness of touching sooooo gently like fingertips on the caress...the almost not touching just barely barely.

To be teased, explored, touched, kissed all over, and seen before being entered.

A real and deep connection. Slow movements, intimacy, breathing together. I want to move, I don't want to be blocked by his body on me, I have to dance, to follow my own rithm. And sometimes I want to be held in his arms, feel surrounded by his presence. Also, I want to be fucked by his eyes even before I undress my body.

Cry woman!

Cry and you will reveal the character of the man you are dating.
I have seen many different reactions from men. One was ashamed because he cared about the people around us, so he was vain. One did not mind at all, caught up in his own world. I actually met two of those. One got upset when I got upset and just wanted to leave. Another understood I was upset and needed to cry so he just came up to me and held around me so I could cry. Another criticised me for making noises and told me to cry silently. One was afraid I was faking it, manipulating a reaction like his x wife had done, so he was just sceptical and very cold towards me, telling me to get it together. It seems like God want to test the guys for me so I can see who they are because i may be upset suddenly for no apparent reason. One guy thought we were going to have sex, when I cried he felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave.

The first time i ever cried in front of a man was when I was 21. I knew he would be like a mother, comforting me.  I am glad God shows me who is worth hanging out with.