Yesterday a reserved person met a reserved person. What happened? Even though they both hate small-talk one of them started talking small to the other. If the goal was to connect it wasn't a good idea, because the other was reserved because of emotional tension and wasn't able to give answers on that level. So she broke down instead and he got frustrated that she couldn't connect. Did he even try to find her?
When a reserved person meets a reserved person I bet he feels inadequate, even though he may not be fully aware of it, because a reserved person is not one that do what he can to make people feel good in their presence and he is not the one that reach out and comfort people who feels insecure, troubled and vulnerable. Perhaps his safe place becomes a prison for him in situations like this? The reserved person is hard to engage, hard to satisfy, and does very little himself to do the same.
Søren Kierkegaard on helping:
“If one is truly to succeed in leading a person to a specific place, one must first and foremost take care to find him where he is and begin there. This is the secret in the entire art of helping.
Anyone who cannot do this is himself under a delusion if he thinks he is able to help someone else. In order truly to help someone else, I must understand more than he, but certainly first and foremost understand what he understands.
If I do not do that, then my greater understanding does not help him at all. If I nevertheless want to assert my greater understanding, then it is because I am vain or proud, then basically instead of benefiting him I really want to be admired by him.
But all true helping begins with a humbling.
The helper must first humble himself under the person he wants to help and thereby understand that to help is not to dominate but to serve, that to help is a not to be the most dominating but the most patient, that to help is a willingness for the time being to put up with being in the wrong and not understanding what the other understands.”
At times I have got annoyed by people who are reserved from themselves. Utterly helpful towards others, but shut out from themselves as by a wall. "Oh, God, they must be insecure", I have thought. That is a projection, of course, because I have been like that myself when I felt insignificant. More or less shut out from myself dependent on how much I could accept myself. The stupid thing is I was dissappointed that people didn't care about me, didn't ask about me, even though it was me who had made myself inaccessible, too insecure about myself and my life.
So I have met a man who is reserved from others most of the time while I am reserved from myself most of the time I'm with others. A good combination, you think? It is potential for growth here. He can try to be more forthcoming and caring and I can try to be more open and honest even though I am afraid he will judge me. I can try to be fine with what ever he thinks about me. As long as he doesn't seem to care I can not open up for him, so he must start by reaching out. In a way tell me that he wants to know me, with an open mind and a comforting heart.
When a reserved person meets a reserved person I bet he feels inadequate, even though he may not be fully aware of it, because a reserved person is not one that do what he can to make people feel good in their presence and he is not the one that reach out and comfort people who feels insecure, troubled and vulnerable. Perhaps his safe place becomes a prison for him in situations like this? The reserved person is hard to engage, hard to satisfy, and does very little himself to do the same.
Søren Kierkegaard on helping:
“If one is truly to succeed in leading a person to a specific place, one must first and foremost take care to find him where he is and begin there. This is the secret in the entire art of helping.
Anyone who cannot do this is himself under a delusion if he thinks he is able to help someone else. In order truly to help someone else, I must understand more than he, but certainly first and foremost understand what he understands.
If I do not do that, then my greater understanding does not help him at all. If I nevertheless want to assert my greater understanding, then it is because I am vain or proud, then basically instead of benefiting him I really want to be admired by him.
But all true helping begins with a humbling.
The helper must first humble himself under the person he wants to help and thereby understand that to help is not to dominate but to serve, that to help is a not to be the most dominating but the most patient, that to help is a willingness for the time being to put up with being in the wrong and not understanding what the other understands.”
So I have met a man who is reserved from others most of the time while I am reserved from myself most of the time I'm with others. A good combination, you think? It is potential for growth here. He can try to be more forthcoming and caring and I can try to be more open and honest even though I am afraid he will judge me. I can try to be fine with what ever he thinks about me. As long as he doesn't seem to care I can not open up for him, so he must start by reaching out. In a way tell me that he wants to know me, with an open mind and a comforting heart.
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