Lolita for a day and kriyas

I'm so thankful for the kriyas! The stronger the kriyas the better, I think. I speak in tounges sometimes and have wondered who I am talking to, who I long for so intensely and deeply, so I asked today who it was while I was in the middle of the kriya-mood and felt a yearning for this someone, and I could see and feel the loving energy from the virgin Mary!

Today I used a lot more words when I spoke in tounges than usual, even though I have had 4 clitoral orgasms this month and two of them recent. I have even sinned and afterwards felt dirty. I lived out my Lolita fantasies, that was. I didn't think it was dirty before after it happened. The day after I thought I had to either try to like the guy who touched me but couldn't have me, or reject him totally, because soon he would like to be desired too. I am amaced that I was able to like him the same day. Just because I wanted to. I thought I should try to not be serious, but just have fun. We had a fantastic day together today. I was attracted to him. Wanted to touch him many times. This day was full of unpredictability. Very exciting.

Solarixx

Søren Kirkegaard quotes

YOU CANNOT GET THE TRUTH BY CAPTURING IT, ONLY BY ITS CAPTURING YOU.

WHAT THE AGE NEEDS IS NOT A GENIUS—IT HAS HAD GENIUSES ENOUGH, BUT A MARTYR, WHO IN ORDER TO TEACH MEN TO OBEY WOULD HIMSELF BE OBEDIENT UNTO DEATH. 

THE GREATEST THING EACH PERSON CAN IS TO GIVE HIMSELF TO GOD UTTERLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY—WEAKNESS, FEARS, AND ALL. FOR GOD LOVE OBEDIENCE MORE THAN GOOD INTENTIONS OR SECOND-BEST OFFERINGS, WHICH ARE ALL TOO OFTEN MADE UNDER THE GUIDE OF WEAKNESS.

THE OPPOSITE OF SIN IS NOT VIRTUE BUT FAITH.

THE PROUD PERSON ALWAYS WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING, THE GREAT THING. BUT BECAUSE HE WANTS TO DO IT IN HIS OWN STRENGTH, HE IS FIGHTING NOT WITH MAN, BUT WITH GOD.

GOD CREATES OUT OF NOTHING. WONDERFUL YOU SAY. YES, TO BE SURE, BUT HE DOES WHAT IS STILL MORE WONDERFUL: HE MAKES SAINTS OUT OF SINNERS.

IF I WERE TO WISH FOR ANYTHING, I SHOULD NOT WISH FOR WEALTH AND POWER, BUT FOR THE PASSIONATE SENSE OF THE POTENTIAL, FOR THE EYE WHICH, EVER YOUNG AND ARDENT, SEES THE POSSIBLE. PLEASURE DISAPPOINTS, POSSIBILITY NEVER. AND WHAT WINE IS SO SPARKLING, WHAT SO FRAGRANT, WHAT SO INTOXICATING AS POSSIBILITY!

2 Spinoza quotes

“The more you struggle to live, the less you live. Give up the notion that you must be sure of what you are doing. Instead, surrender to what is real within you, for that alone is sure....you are above everything distressing.” 
― Baruch Spinoza

“Happiness is not the reward of virtue, but is virtue itself; nor do we delight in happiness because we restrain from our lusts; but on the contrary, because we delight in it, therefore we are able to restrain them.” 
― Baruch Spinoza

Depression

If no one cares about what I feel,

think and do,
why should I do any of it?
Depression says.

Love is the life force
I express myself with.
Without it I'm dead.
That death is depression.

Love is for everyone,
but I can shut the door for it
thinking I'm not worthy
just because certain beings
doesn't show it to me.

Poems by Paul Celan

Autumn nibbles its leaf right from my hand: we're friends.
We shell time from the nuts and teach it to walk:
time turns back into its shell.

In the mirror is Sunday,
in dream goes sleeping,
the mouth speaks true.

My eyes goes down to my lover's loins:
we gaze at each other,
we say dark things,
we love one another like poppy and memory,
we slumber like wine in the seashells,
like the sea in the moon's blood-beam.

We stand at the window embracing, they watch from the street:
It's time people knew!
It's time the stone consented to bloom,
a heart beat for unrest.
It's time it came time.

It is time.

Near we are, Lord,

near and graspable.

Grasped, Lord, already,

clawed into one another, as if

the body of each of us were

your body, Lord.

To the trough we went, Lord.

It was blood, it was

what you shed, Lord.

It glistened.

Pray, Lord.

We are near. 

Death is a master from Germany.

“With wine and being lost, with
less and less of both:

I rode through the snow, do you read me
I rode God far--I rode God
near, he sang,
it was
our last ride over
the hurdled humans.

They cowered when
they heard us
overhead, they
wrote, they
lied our neighing
into one of their
image-ridden languages.”

26 Things You Do As An Adult When You’ve Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse

A good summary, I think: http://awarenessact.com/26-things-you-do-as-an-adult-when-youve-experienced-childhood-emotional-abuse/?=ewao